Helping a Friend who has Cancer

When a friend is diagnosed with cancer, your emotions will be all over the place. You will fear that this is a death sentence while at the same time wanting to bolster your fiend’s morale. What you do is pull yourself together, take deep breaths, and vow to do everything you possibly can to help.

Don’t ask what you can do to help or say ‘if you need anything let me know.’ Even the best of friends will hesitate to ask for help worrying that they don’t want to be a bother when you have so much to do.

If this is truly your best friend, you know her schedule and what she will and will not be able to do. If you and she a part of a school car pool, offer to take her shift. When you find about the cancer diagnosis, give her some time. She will probably call you when she can. You don’t want to overwhelm her or avoid her either. Always call before you visit unless you are taking food. In these cases, you will be able to gauge if she wants company or not.

Be a friend. Don’t judge and don’t expect your friend to react the same way you would. If you would scream and yell if you had cancer, don’t advise that your friend do the same. She may be quieter and more introspective. If you would want scads of friends around, she might feel better being alone. Everyone copes differently; keep that in mind.

When you call to come over and she is receptive, take some pretty flowers. If you take a garden plant, offer to put it in her favorite garden. Take some cookies or scones to share while you visit. If she doesn’t feel like eating, don’t push. She knows what is best for her own body. If she seems depressed and who wouldn’t, try to cheer her up by talking about some books you have read and enjoyed or a movie you watched. A great idea might to be to take a particularly good video to watch later.

If the diagnosis is really bad or terminal, don’t start a pity party. Cry with her if she needs to cry but don’t urge her to cry or to react any particular way. When she seems weak, help around the house or cook a meal for her supper.

When your friend becomes critical, don’t abandon her. By this point most people will have started fading away. People have problems coping with death so they avoid the experience. By this point, the family will need all kinds of help. Don’t push; stay in the background and do what needs to be done. Even if family is around, you can still help.

In the final stages, many families want to keep their vigil alone. Take your cues from them. If it’s just a matter of time, ask if you can say good-by to your friend. They will understand your need for closure.

Offer to take the children into your home if they are really small and seem afraid by what is going on. Particularly if the death is painful, children will be frightened and unnecessarily traumatized. Do whatever you can to help even if it’s just listening. You have been a great friend and are experiencing a great loss too so take time for yourself. Take time to grieve.

Copyright 2007 Janice D. Sterling - All Rights Reserved

Technorati Tags: Cancer Research, Helping A Friend With Cancer

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